Shit has been going down lately. Big shit. Shit so big I can't even mention it online. It's fucking scary. Besides the BIG SHIT there's been other stuff. Things are gnawing. Where am I going? What am I doing? Who am I? What should I do with my life? DO I buy a house? Quit my job? Quit uni? Quit drinking and Valium?? (Oh wait.. scratch that last one. NEVER!) I'm so self-absorbed I'm like a 15 year-old on acid obessed with the beauty of her own hand. But.. you know.. less acid. Definitly less beauty. It's ugly. It feels shameful. All this self-reflection and meditation. Oozing cliche I wonder if "getting away" will help me "think things through". It seems such fucking the bullshit. There's a voice in my head (no.. seriously, bare with me. Honestly. Not. Creepy.) and she's saying this "what a load of bullshit. How fucking vain are you, sister? You don't need to study Narcissus, you are him. But with a vagina. I'd say Aphrodite but with the love handles you gained from pregnancy.. well no. Uh-uh". Then I spend time staring at my child and my boyfriend wondering "who the fuck are these people?" and "Why are they here?" Not in a way that means I Want them to go away but wondering what part they're going to play n my life. How will my decisions effect them?
So. Many. Fucking. Questions.
Then she starts again "don't listen to those cunts. They're all wrong. You know best." Well... when she gets like this there's not stoppping her. Seriously. She's the one who picked bright red tights on a day she had lunch with her CEO. Obviously a winner.
I swing wildly from being incredibly conservative to wildly avant-garde (so I like to think, anyways. What with the bright red tights and all).
So, as you probably figured 400 rambling sentences ago, I'm searching for answers. Answers to the eternal questions, apparently. According to a friend of mine people have been asking them forever. Apparently the biggest mistake I could have made was bringing this rambling subject of my recent vainity and self-questioning to the attention of a friend who studied philosophy. Seriously. Obviously he left me with more questions. Philosophy was never my strong point. I know the Ancient Greeks loved it. No idea why.
Of course, after consulting someone fairly knowledgeable on the subject I decided to consult the collective mind. That's right. I decided to Google. And, boy, Google I did! I found some great stuff. This great post from a few years ago. (passion etc etc) and another perspective in this post. (growing pains, normal development, like toddlers. Should I just KEEP CALM and CARRY ON?). Also, is having this much access to this much information when I'm confused really helpful? All of them of course mention decisions. I'm assuming the decisions will become clear and easy to make just as soon as I find the answers to all my questions? No? Oh... Incidentally I did find once great answers, which was Saturns Return. Pity I'm not a gullible ninny (uhh. no offense astrologers.. but.. well.. you know. Sorry.).
And so the search goes on. With more questions, less answers and my pathetic cliches, self-crticisms and general annoyingly gen-y traits.
Anything... just anything to stop me from thinking about the BIG SHIT.
Over and out